I spent last Saturday working on our 2010 taxes. After I finished I pulled some older, no longer needed, records from the filing cabinet to shred. One of the folders contained copies of Tommy's tax returns and the other contained his elementary, junior high and high school IEP (Individualized Education Program) Goals. Shredding the tax records was easy but working my way through his life as a child was harder and I felt my throat tighten up more than once. Memories flooded my head and tears blurred my vision as I silently fed them to the shredder.
Lost in my thoughts I reached for the next piece of paper. My hand grabbed a card instead. Blue, with a yellow rose on the front it read, "It isn't easy for you right now . . ." I opened it. ". . . just remember someone cares." I read the signature and sobbed. "I Love You Mom, Tommy"
What it was doing there, I don't know.
I told David about it yesterday and shared that I don't ever remember receiving that card from Tommy. I said, "I can't even tell you when he gave it me", to which he replied, "I can Mom. He gave it to you Saturday." I cried again.
Better Than Robert Redford Dessert
Fabulously easy and incredibly delicious!1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup chopped pecan pieces, plus more for top of cake
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melted
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1 cup confectioners sugar
1 container (8 ounces) Cool Whip, thawed
4 cups milk
2 boxes (3.4 ounces each) instant vanilla pudding
2 boxes (3.4 ounces each) instant chocolate pudding
Large Hershey chocolate bar to make shavings for the top
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Coat 13 x 9 x 2-inch baking dish with nonstick cooking spray. In a medium-size bowl, mix flour, pecans and butter. Using your hands, pat into the dish and bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Cool completely.
In a bowl, beat cream cheese and confectioners sugar until smooth. Fold in half of the whipped topping. Spread over cooled crust.
Prepare vanilla pudding using 2 cups of the milk. Spread over cream cheese layer. Prepare chocolate pudding with remaining 2 cups milk. Spread over the vanilla pudding layer. Spread remaining whipped topping over pudding. (I drop large dollops all over the top then spread gently to cover the pudding)
Refrigerate at least 2 hours or overnight. Sprinkle with nuts and chocolate shavings. Cut into squares.
Normal Day
Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. ~Mary Jean Iron
Sugarpop
Warren calls Gianna "Sugarpop" and the other day when he said, "there's my sugarpop," she responded with, "I'm not your sugarpop, Grampa, I'm Gramma's muffin."
Losing A Son
Dealing with Tommy's death this last year has left me wondering what Gramma Campbell felt as she dealt with the death of her son, my father, who was just 23 years old when he died in 1959.
Missing Tommy
August 21st is just a few days away. It is a day that marks time for me now, for it was one year ago, on August 21, 2009, that my firstborn son, Thomas Jeffrey Clements, left this world at the age of 32 and I miss him terribly.I ordered flowers today, in his memory, for this weekend's service at church. It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I last saw his face and heard his voice. On one hand it seems like yesterday that he was here, but on the other, it seems like forever since I last saw or touched him.
For a while after his death, some people would approach with awkward attempts at offering sympathy while others would say just the right thing. Now only a few people say anything at all. Maybe they don't know what to say, or maybe they think that talking about it is too painful for me. Please know that it helps me to talk about and to remember Tommy. He was much too important in my life to sidestep discussion, as if he never existed.
Some ask how I'm doing, and I've even had a few assure me that time heals all wounds. A few have wondered if I'm over it and through the grieving process. They wonder if life has returned to normal. I think it's fair to say that I will never be “over it” and life, as I knew it, is gone forever. Some well-meaning but misguided smile and say, “Rejoice, he is in heaven!” I know that he is in heaven, but I want him here with me. Because he is not, I am sad.
Am I getting through it? Yes. Some days are better than others. Random things will trigger memories that I did not even know I stored. The memory plays out, leaving me comforted and sad at the same time.
There is no doubt that my pain is deep, but my faith is deeper. God has kept His promises to me and to my family. He has been there for us though it has been, and continues to be, hard. Our sorrow is not as those who have no hope, but we do feel it and will continue to shed tears. That’s because our love for Tommy continues on.
