Year Three

"Every step I take, every move I make. Every single day, every time I pray. I'll be missing you." ♥

An Earthly Desire

I desire to mirror what is "good” and reflect God’s light so that one day, when breath leaves my body and my firstborn son embraces me again, I will stand before the Lamb of God to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord.” (Matthew 25:21 NKJV)

Two Years

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

Just a Coincidence?

I spent last Saturday working on our 2010 taxes. After I finished I pulled some older, no longer needed, records from the filing cabinet to shred. One of the folders contained copies of Tommy's tax returns and the other contained his elementary, junior high and high school IEP (Individualized Education Program) Goals. Shredding the tax records was easy but working my way through his life as a child was harder and I felt my throat tighten up more than once. Memories flooded my head and tears blurred my vision as I silently fed them to the shredder.

Lost in my thoughts I reached for the next piece of paper. My hand grabbed a card instead. Blue, with a yellow rose on the front it read, "It isn't easy for you right now . . ." I opened it. ". . . just remember someone cares." I read the signature and sobbed. "I Love You Mom, Tommy"

What it was doing there, I don't know.

I told David about it yesterday and shared that I don't ever remember receiving that card from Tommy. I said, "I can't even tell you when he gave it me", to which he replied, "I can Mom. He gave it to you Saturday." I cried again.

Normal Day

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. ~Mary Jean Iron

Losing A Son

Dealing with Tommy's death this last year has left me wondering what Gramma Campbell felt as she dealt with the death of her son, my father, who was just 23 years old when he died in 1959.

Missing Tommy

August 21st is just a few days away. It is a day that marks time for me now, for it was one year ago, on August 21, 2009, that my firstborn son, Thomas Jeffrey Clements, left this world at the age of 32 and I miss him terribly.

I ordered flowers today, in his memory, for this weekend's service at church. It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I last saw his face and heard his voice. On one hand it seems like yesterday that he was here, but on the other, it seems like forever since I last saw or touched him.

For a while after his death, some people would approach with awkward attempts at offering sympathy while others would say just the right thing. Now only a few people say anything at all. Maybe they don't know what to say, or maybe they think that talking about it is too painful for me. Please know that it helps me to talk about and to remember Tommy. He was much too important in my life to sidestep discussion, as if he never existed.

Some ask how I'm doing, and I've even had a few assure me that time heals all wounds. A few have wondered if I'm over it and through the grieving process. They wonder if life has returned to normal. I think it's fair to say that I will never be “over it” and life, as I knew it, is gone forever. Some well-meaning but misguided smile and say, “Rejoice, he is in heaven!” I know that he is in heaven, but I want him here with me. Because he is not, I am sad.

Am I getting through it? Yes. Some days are better than others. Random things will trigger memories that I did not even know I stored. The memory plays out, leaving me comforted and sad at the same time.

There is no doubt that my pain is deep, but my faith is deeper. God has kept His promises to me and to my family. He has been there for us though it has been, and continues to be, hard. Our sorrow is not as those who have no hope, but we do feel it and will continue to shed tears. That’s because our love for Tommy continues on.

Baby's Bassinet

My mom bought a white baby bassinet for me when I was expecting my first child. Made from a wicker like material and draped in white lace it was passed down, throughout the family, from one expectant mother to another, the name and birth date of each child that slept in it carefully recorded on the bottom. First Tommy, then David, Steven, Danielle, Denys, Amy, Evan, Christopher, Cody, Brandon, Richard and Tyler. Then Gavin, Gabriel, Gianna and Travis. I've always loved the sentiment of this tradition.

My Gramma

Today I found myself thinking about how Tommy would come up when I was holding one of the kids, put his arms around me and start an argument. "My Gramma," he would say, knowing that it would prompt a rebuttal. "MY Gramma," they would argue. Back and forth they'd go until Tommy finally gave in and said, "Okay, your Gramma but my Mommy."

Favorite Son

Today would have been Tommy's 33rd birthday. I'm thinking about how he would call the office, ask for me and when asked who was calling would say, "Her favorite son."

Dreaming of Tommy

I woke up early this morning, about 3:50 a.m. I had dreamed that I was in a large furniture superstore with the family and although I can only remember specifically seeing David and Travis, I sense that Warren, Steve, Connie and possibly Gavin & Gabriel were there too. It was very crowded, similar to a warehouse and had multiple floors of items accessible by elevators that more resembled cages and really wide moving escalators that looked more like conveyor belts. We looked at a desk and chair then a saleswoman took Travis by the hand and started to lead us to another area. She and Travis went towards one conveyor belt that was going downstairs and everyone else, I vaguely remember seeing Steven's head over the crowd, went the opposite way towards another downward belt. I stood and looked both ways and then hurried towards Travis and the saleswoman, telling her that Travis needed to be where his parents were at all times. When we got downstairs there were a lot of people and it was noisy. I looked around to find everyone and David walked by me. I called his name, but he didn't see or hear me and kept walking. I turned when I heard what I think was Steven's voice say, "Look who's here!" and I saw Tommy walking towards me. He was tall and slender and I could see his face above the crowd as he worked his way towards me. His hair was cut like it was at Todd and Casey's wedding, his eyes clear and bright and he had a broad, open smile on his face. I moved towards him and we "melted" together and sat down. The right side of my face was against his right chest and shoulder and I closed my eyes. I heard his voice say, "I know I moved," as I rested against him. I felt comforted and, for a moment, at peace.

For Tommy

Thinking about Cody and the CD that he spent so much time putting together in memory of Tommy. Jackie said that she told him what a nice gesture it was and he said, "Mom...it's Tommy." I'm touched beyond words.

Heal Me Lord

My son, my friend, my firstborn, and my angel

Thomas Jeffrey Clements

October 23, 1976 - August 21, 2009

Invitacion Fountain

Let all who are weak

All who are weary

Come to the Rock

Come to the Fountain

All who have sailed

On the rivers of heartache

Come to the sea

Come on, be set free!

If You lead me Lord,

I will follow

Where You lead me Lord,

I will Go

Come and heal me Lord,

I will follow

Where You lead me Lord,

I will go

I will go

Let all who are weak

All who are weary

Come to the Rock

Come to the Fountain

Let all who have climbed,

The mountains of heartbreak

Reach to the sky

Come on, and give your life

If You lead me Lord,

I will follow

Where You lead me Lord,

I will Go

Come and heal me Lord,

I will follow

Where You lead me Lord,

I will go

I will go

Heal me.

Heal me.

All who are weak

All who are weary

All who are tired

All who are thirsty

All who have failed

All who are broken

Gramma & Gabe's Road Trip

May 19, 2007: Four-year old Gabriel and I drove to Arizona to visit Tommy and even though it was just an overnight trip, Gabe was very excited. I bought him a disposable camera so that he could record memories of his trip, then developed the film and made him his own little memory book of photos. He took pictures of the wind energy windmills as we went through the Palm Springs area, snapped a shot of the McDonald's that we stopped at for lunch, and was fascinated by the long freight trains. He even noticed the desert hills and commented that Grampa could fly his planes there.